Let's talk about two things that go together like chips and salsa, fish and chips, or fish and chips and salsa... you know, like a fish taco. So fish and tacos. I'm talking about sex and mortgage brokering, the hottest combination out there. Except for fish tacos.
Are you saying fish tacos are sexier than mortgages?
To some people, that answer is a most definite yes. Especially with a chilled glass of Courvoisier.
Surely there are some sexual benefits of being a mortgage broker?
Let's put it this way... Every time I hear 'Oh, you're a mortgage broker? You want to make out?' it instantly makes me think of three things;
1) you are pretty drunk and have low standards
2) you dig people prying into your personal financial affairs in order to get you the lowest interest rate possible when borrowing huge amounts of money
3) you are probably a business account manager for a national lender
Often people confuse my profession with one of the more glamorous, better paid ones. Some think that maybe I am a spy, a lawyer, or even a paper carrier. Truth is, I am but a man. A man who knows a bit more about mortgages than other men, but still a man. And if finding out your total debt service ratio turns you on then am I the right guy for you. Even if you are perhaps a little confused sexually or financially at the moment, thanks to my cheap selection of Scotch and my Coldplay playlist on Itunes.
Say I'm interested. What's your first move?
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| It's all about standing out |
For example, usually a long-legged brunette grandmother will approach me and say something like "Oh, you're a mortgage broker?"
I respond, "No, I'm a Mortgage Assassin."
That gets their interest right away (pun intended). True, some of the older ones think that a Mortgage is a Mid-Eastern country but I can look past that, particularly if I met them at an Open House or they are looking to help buy a house for their kids.
What turns mortgage brokers on?
Obviously a good credit report. That's key. Perhaps I might also like the look of your assets, if you know what I mean. Sometimes all it takes is one look and BAM, I know good things are going to happen.
When is foreplay too much?
There is never too much foreplay. I can foreplay for over a year, if that's what you are into.
Ever gotten freaky?
If by freaky, you mean 'ordered an appraisal' then yes. Sometimes I do that to set the mood and market price so there's no confusion of who's going to be the daddy of the relationship if you know what I mean. Often, most people don't know what I mean so I try to explain it to them nice and easy, like melting an ice cube on a coffee table if you get my drift. Not that I want to be a daddy. I already have three wonderful mini-mes in various stages of cuteness and annoyance. But metaphorically I am the ice cube to your coffee table of financial emotion and bank balance.
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| They all want to be pre-approved. |
What do you do for Pillow talk?
I can pillow talk all night but some people find the light of my calculator annoying so I might try other methods such as my tablet or laptop. I prefer to avoid using a Power Point unless the circumstances really call for it, like if I'm lathering it up with over 6 people in various states of financing. I find throwing out words like 'lump sum payments' and 'amortization' really gets the juices flowing. For heightened pleasure I might throw in 'home equity line of credit' or 'construction financing' or 'TDS'. It all depends on the circumstances really.
What does talking about and brokering mortgages do for you?
Ya know, as a great Ladies Man once said; "When a man works hard his entire life enduring hundreds of ladies, many of whom he does not even remember you'd like to think that at the end of the day he will be given a lot of money, without having had to earn it."
It would be good to be that guy one day. Until then I will be the best Mortgage Assassin I can be.
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| The night a deal is funded... |
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| The morning after. |
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